In the previos post I talked about my experience with pain or rather the conclusions out of it – in a rather general way. Because I realized that it can helpt to read or get to know aobut others experiences, I decided to share mine, in hope it could help anyone.
To summarize from the post before: the last days of Ramadan were quiet hard for me because of a certain thing (I don´t want to call it problem) that stuck in my mind and haunted me. In the following you gonna get a little more insight to the story (not the story of the “thing” – sorry I have no better term at the moment- but about how I handled it or even not handled it. Maybe I gonna write about that later but it depends on how things going to develop…)
In the middle of Ramadan I talked to a friend about the “thing” that dragged me down the last few… month. I thought I would have been over it but I was wrong because it still ran through my mind. Actually in this moment it was nothing more than that: It came into my mind from time to time, especially when I people were talking about that topic. Because she asked me if something was wrong with me, I decided to tell her in hope it would relieve. The opposite was the result. It got even worse. And if I say worse, I mean reeaally bad. I am not that kind of person that is quickly dragged down by things but this one really hit me, even it should have been over long ago – and I thought I would have overcame it. That´s why I couldn´t really explain why it hit me so bad – again. There are different hypothesis I have on it but the main conclusion I have is: It doesn´t always help to talk about your problems, even with your best friends.
I usually hardly try to hide tears infront of people, I mean who likes to cry infront of others. But the last two days of Ramadan I didn´t even succeed in that. It was that bad that I couldn´t really look forward for Ied because I wasn´t in the mood to meet any people, especially so many people that want to celebrate and talk to you and ask you how you are, what is the worst part for me. On the one side I have the feeling I would lie when I say I am fine, on the other side no one wants to hear that you are not fine, even if you would tell them, would they show any interest? And would you even want them to know that you aren not fine? I mean I actually like to meet people but I am not really into smalltalk, especially questions people ask although they are not intersted in the answer. Sorry I know they just mean it nice and I am straying from the topic.
So it was Ied and I felt bad what is really sad because Ied is one of the greatest day in the year and I felt bad for feeling bad. It was Ied, I was surrounded by a lot of people I started crying. Fortunatly I wasn´t the only one that cried because it was after the dua of Imam which masyaa Allah really touched me and apparently also some others. (I realized that language can have a big influence on emtions. It was different thatn usually because the dua was in Indonesian.) So many people cried but I cried the hardest until someone asked (a friend of the family that knows me since I am little) “Kenapa nangis? Nangis bahagia?” Why are you crying? Because of happiness? And my answer was “Kangen Ramadan./ I miss Ramadan.” Padahal cuma alasan, kangen sih iya, tapi beda. I wish I would have cried because of that….
So somehow this Ied was quiet weird. But after an exhausting day before I fell to sleep something great happened. One of my dua, of the duas while Ramadan, was fullfilled. For you it may not sound special but for me it was. I asked Allah to give me ikhlas because I had the feeling that this “thing” dragging me down would steal away all my energy and I didn´t know how long I could take it, like it would exhaust all my happiness (deep banget lah). And suddenly it felt like all the burden had fallen away, like I could simply except it and it was okay this way. Actually it didn´t came just so sudden. I read a text on the blog of a friend who wrote about something like that. But it could also have worsen it, but it didn´t. After the last exhausting weeks it was the first time I felt calm again. At that moment I wished I could have went through Ramadan with that feeling so I could had use it better. But maybe or rather probably it was good this way. Because like that I knew that Allah listened to my prayer and that He won´t leave us alone, no matter how hard pain seems. Maybe Allah wants to see us on the ground to find us in sujood. After this prayer had come true I am excited to see what happens in the next time and when or how my other ones will be answered, excited to see what else Allah has planned for me. And I am sure, it gonna be good because He is Al-Mujib – The Answerer (of prayer) “and Allah is the best of planners” [Al-Anfal 8:30].
There are things we can´t plan and even if we plan them, we can´t secure that they come true, only Allah can. And He gonna make it happen in the best way.
I later talked to another friend about the topic of pain because she told me that it was hard for her stand her own pain. She used to advice others that you should accept your pain and than realized she couldn´t do it her own. So I talked about the way I handle my pain and about the experiences I had the last few weeks. I didn´t tell her about the reason of my pain what wasn´t necessary. It wasn´t necessary for her to know and wasn´t necessary for me to let her know. Although I haven´t told her what had kept me busy, because even it felt better sometimes it still came into my mind and especially this day it felt like it would tie a knot in my heart (I don´t try to be poetic it´s just who it felt). But after I talked to her I felt released and it still holds on until now alhamdulillah (it´s over one week ago I talked to her). This ways I could finally concentrate on university again was really helpful becasue of the heap of tasks I had to finish.
The conclusion of this whole story is: We don´t always have to tell people our problems especially if they also can´t find a solution for it. Sometimes talking about it can make it even worse. So it won´t have a benefit for both. But sometimes it´s could to simply let people know how you feel, what you experienced especially if it could help them. Of course you shouldn´t go out and tell everyone you meet how sad or upset or stressed you are. But if it´s someone close to you or even not that close to you and it´s an experience that you consider as helpful it could be helpful for them too. And it could be also helpful for you someone knowing that you are NOT fine even they don´t know the reason.
Now the last point, a really important one: It´s important to have someone who listens. Often when talking to people it feels like there are somewhere else with the half of their mind. Especially when you are talking about something that means a lot to you and you have to bring yourself to talk about it, and it doesn´t seem like the person you are talking to pays attention to it or takes it serios that can be quiet frustating. So this should be an appeal to all of us: If someone talks to you, listen! It could be that it´s important to them and let them time to find the words they are needing to explain themselfs. It´s actually hard to express this in words and it needed to be written out more deeply but this seems already too long.
Sorry if this post is a little disorderd, may be because of ordering too much study papers. I hope you still can get the essence of my intention and I hope reading this can be helpful for anyone of you guys.
So thanks for investing your time in reading my unstructured thougts!
Salam and have a great weekend!
PS: This is only the first part of my Ramadan Review, stay tuned!